The night Nan Knows Best nearly broke the record

Ward Nine is our scariest room. It’s dark, it’s loud and there’s an actor in there who knows exactly where you are. So when a family booked it for their nan’s eighty-first birthday, our team quietly prepared the safe word speech.

They needn’t have bothered.

The first 10 minutes

Nan, whose name is Pat, walked into the ward, looked around and said, “This isn’t how they arranged the beds in 1987.” She was right. We checked. Then she sat on one of them and started reading the patient notes while her grandchildren screamed at the actor.

The safe

The safe in Ward Nine usually takes teams about twenty minutes. Pat had it open in four. Her method, in her own words:

• Ignore the noises

• Read everything twice

• Assume the doctor was a man who wrote his birthday on everything

She was, again, right. The doctor’s birthday was on his mug, his calendar and, for some reason, a tea towel.

“I’ve been to more hospitals than you’ve had hot dinners, love.”

Pat, 81, to our game master

The rest of the room was a team effort. Her grandson found the hidden ward keys, her daughter-in-law cracked the medicine cabinet and her son, by his own admission, mostly held the torch and apologised to the actor. When the lights went out for the finale, Pat calmly told everyone to stand still and listen. It worked. They heard the clue, found the last code and walked out arm in arm.

Our game master, Callum, said it was the calmest Ward Nine finale he’d ever watched. He also said he’s never been told off so politely.

So close

The team finished in 49:55, just over two minutes outside the record. The grandchildren blame the red herring. Pat blames the grandchildren. They’ve already booked Kettle & Sons Bank for her eighty-second, and we’re genuinely a little nervous.